Wednesday, December 9, 2009

Life as a Redneck

So, last week I was initiated into Redneck Hall of Fame in Ashford, WA (population: 293) when I was told by a local, while in the general store, called Suvers, that I was "now a True Ashfordite" because I has a big brown tarp covering my rear window. And, yes of course, the masking tape I was using did not stick well in the soggy northwest so the tarp was flapping in the wind as I drove the three mile stretch from my homestead to the store. It gets better, a few days ago I signed a get well card for one of my co-workers that read as follows:
Medical Definitions for Rednecks
Barium - What the undertaker does to 'em once the doctor's are through with 'em
Impotent- Significant and distinguished
Pap Smear- To insult or belittle your own father
Rectum- Crashed 'm and totaled 'em
X-Rayed- For adult audiences only
These were a few of the inspiring redneck definitions included on the card. The fact that I live in a double-wide (make that half of a double-wide) and that I drive a fourteen year old Bronco only reinforces the whole embracement of my redneck ways. In fact, at the end of last week I found the local watering hole, the Elbe Tavern, that I now fear I will become a "regular" at. There the likes of dentists and hairdressers have never been seen. Where even the town's pretty girls (remember these are redneck lovelies) are wearing camo and the local men are outside, smoking cigarettes, discussing the Rebel flag they want to affix to their 4x4. This Friday night you will find me belly up to the bar, nursing a Washington Apple (crown, cranberry and pucker) double shot listening to the live band jamboree. Yee-Haw!